Alone

I got married September 9, 2017. It was the happiest day of my life. Shortly after I got a new job, a house, and a new dog. Everything was going right and I am miserable. Change has always been hard for me. I didn’t want to leave high school and move on to collage because I was scared of the change. I’ve lived in the same house, always full of people, my entire life up until now. Now I live in a house with my husband and my two dogs. He is an extrovert who enjoys being social and spending time with people. It is where he thrives. I am an introvert who loves my family and relaxing. I want him to be social because that is what makes him happy, and so he is on a softball team and a pool league. I am glad he can go out and have fun. But that leaves me alone a lot.

Sometimes when he comes home he notices that I am sad. He asks me what is wrong and I answer “I think I am depressed.” He tries really hard to understand what I mean when I say a newly married women who just started the happily ever after part of life is depressed. I’ve been this way for a few months now and I am starting to get to the blissfully numb stage. I work with therapists and I confided in one that I trusted that I was depressed. I explained what I was feeling and how hopeless I felt all of the time. She told me it sounded like I needed to go talk to a therapist. My only thoughts were “I thought I was.”

I have entered into the hopeless stage. I often find myself asking “what is the point to all of this? Working all day so that I can pay for a house that I’m never in, to feed dogs that I never see, to pay bills for things I never get to enjoy?” I feel hopeless. Like nothing will change, this is life and I am supposed to be happy in it and with it. I have more than most, in fact I have everything I need to survive and then some. Why can’t I be happy?